Teens Need Relationship
When teens can't see how instruction is related to relationship, they’re more likely to justify unkind words or dishonoring actions when they don't like what you've told them to do. They don't understand that obedience is a demonstration of love. Getting physically close makes a statement about who we are together. Face-to-face contact says, "I care about you."
Understanding Consequences
Consequences should not be viewed as a sentence for committing a "crime," but rather as motivation to bring about heart change. Consequences are tools to get a child's attention. They are preparation for significant discussions to address heart and character issues.
The Way You Give Instructions
Look for ways to communicate that will encourage a positive response. We recommend that you make a statement about your goal or objective before you give the instruction. "Emily, I'm trying to get things cleaned up before Dad gets home. Would you please pick up your books, shoes, and backpack in the living room?" The statement before the instruction gives children a little more information and can help them feel they're part of a team.
The Value of Training
Unfortunately, as parents we get upset when our children need lots of correction or when they can't seem to change right away. It is true that some problems our children have take longer to overcome than others. Our response as parents is important, though. Our exasperation can damage the relationship. Firmness is important but the harshness can do more harm than good.
When Children Resist Instructions
Sometimes we take our children for granted, order them around, and don't appreciate them enough. The result is children who tend to resist instructions. If that's the case in your family then it's time to show more love and emphasize the value of your relationships together.
View Your Family as a Team
You may choose to call your family a team sometimes just to communicate the unity you share. When a job needs to be done, the "Smith Team" pulls together. You may work hard to clean up the house, or build a garden, or do yard work. Then you also have special privileges together as a family, going out to eat, playing games, or having ice cream.
The Guilt Trap
Children who have suffered through divorce, death of a family member, or have had a major illness need extra care and love but they don't need parents to just give in. These parents end up with kids who have two problems: they are hurt and they lack character. Because you love your children you may feel like you want to spare them any more pain so you hesitate to confront, correct, set limits, or discipline. This can be counter-productive. Instead, increase the love while continuing the firmness your child needs.
Get a Response
We encourage parents to teach children to respond with, "Okay Mom," or "Okay Dad." This answer reveals three things. First, it shows that the child has heard what you said. How many times have you gone back to check up on an assignment only to hear the child say, "But I didn't hear you"? Some parents even teach their children to repeat the instruction back by saying, "I will…" and then fill in the blank. This helps clarify the instruction for both parent and child.
These tips are used with permission from the National Center for Biblical Parenting. To see the tips in full, or to sign up to receive them by email, please click here.